you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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