You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
