I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it's great music for shaving your balls
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am available for nakedness
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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