I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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