Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
