you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You need Xanax blowdarts
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
