it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
