I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
