I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
