Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
