I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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