did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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