An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
