Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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