she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
