drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
