you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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