Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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