No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
