So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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