We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just want to make out with him forever
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
