The maid of honor just puked.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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