i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
