You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
