I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
