I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
