his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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