Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
