Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
