does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
