I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
