when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
