Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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