Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
