plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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