I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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