If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
