I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My liver just had a heart attack.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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