I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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