I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
