My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
