hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize