if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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