she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
