I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
