can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
