i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
