Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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