hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
