Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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