mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
