God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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