i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
