Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
